tonight and answers

so tonight (that I might see)

a little wine (semillon - peter lehmann) a little smoke, a little company. And though I love this company, I love these guys so much it makes my toes curl, I still feel bloody alone. Alone because at the end of the day- what am I here? Who and what and what for?

I went to a lovely jazz concert today, and when I was ordering beer Mob said what's wrong with you? And I said much, and I said everything. I said I hate myself so much it frightens me. And it was good and true and thick and difficult because he said the things I already know to be true. He said you just have to do what it is that you need to do, you have to do what you reckon will make you happy.
And Banana thinks -- yes it will do to be brave, and yes, it will be worth it because what you risk reveals what you value. And I love B, I do I love him more than anyone; more than anyone I've moved to London for, more than anyone I've loved in London. But if I am to be worth him, then I have to be okay with myself.

So here goes. Banana on another adventure. And I'm going to try- after this thesis is finished, I'm going to give ME a real go.

...

Budapest, and cigarettes, and semillon wine and tomorrow...and then?
(you're not allowed to say 'no and then')
And in the purple night, with the funny diamond coloured stars I sometimes - sometimes - think, that I truly am the luckiest girl in the world...

bedtime!