Up and down...
I feel like I'm sinking again. Not thesis wise, or not only thesis wise, but also home wise, life wise.
I was sitting in an Indian restaurant at lunch on Friday, and the thought came to me: I'm living a life that doesn't exist...
And it's true. Although I have my things to do, I'm just drifting... thesis, phd, and cooking...what else do I do? What else is there? And what will come after?
I find myself getting needlessly jealous of B more than usual, and asking questions which only serve to poison. But I mean, who am I kidding? I'm living a half life here, because I spend half of it pining for somewhere I am not, for things you can't get here, for things that are different there, better, easier less trying. And B is never going to want to move to Australia. He's got his life here. A proper, established life filled with mates that love him, and whom he loves back. The kind of life I yearn for.
It's a shame- today started so brilliantly. It started early, with a short run on the island and a healthy breakfast (avocadoes and memories) and then I wanted to start writing more of the thesis, but then B wrote about how he had this great talk with Richie's girlfriend and how he adores her because she's cool and intelligent, which is all well and good, I reckon she's great too, but then he wrote that he's so proud of his mother tongue (which is also fair enough, don't get me wrong) but how will he ever want to spend time in my home if he's so completely okay here?
I really need some time on my own. I need to finish this damn piece of work and then figure out what's to be next. This insane spending of money on myself and expensive meals alone just to gain a few hours of discrete silence.
I've just gone down a slope again, and yet yesterday I was so happy... strange times. Are they ever going to get un-strange?
I was sitting in an Indian restaurant at lunch on Friday, and the thought came to me: I'm living a life that doesn't exist...
And it's true. Although I have my things to do, I'm just drifting... thesis, phd, and cooking...what else do I do? What else is there? And what will come after?
I find myself getting needlessly jealous of B more than usual, and asking questions which only serve to poison. But I mean, who am I kidding? I'm living a half life here, because I spend half of it pining for somewhere I am not, for things you can't get here, for things that are different there, better, easier less trying. And B is never going to want to move to Australia. He's got his life here. A proper, established life filled with mates that love him, and whom he loves back. The kind of life I yearn for.
It's a shame- today started so brilliantly. It started early, with a short run on the island and a healthy breakfast (avocadoes and memories) and then I wanted to start writing more of the thesis, but then B wrote about how he had this great talk with Richie's girlfriend and how he adores her because she's cool and intelligent, which is all well and good, I reckon she's great too, but then he wrote that he's so proud of his mother tongue (which is also fair enough, don't get me wrong) but how will he ever want to spend time in my home if he's so completely okay here?
I really need some time on my own. I need to finish this damn piece of work and then figure out what's to be next. This insane spending of money on myself and expensive meals alone just to gain a few hours of discrete silence.
I've just gone down a slope again, and yet yesterday I was so happy... strange times. Are they ever going to get un-strange?
posted by BanAnna at 10/14/2007 03:19:00 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home