You can't go around grief apparently, you can only go through. I was on the phone today and a friend said "You sound worse than a few days ago, that surprises me".

Really? The implosion happened less than a week ago - and everywhere I go, shops, parks, beach, traffic lights, there is some aspect of M there. Whether it be leopard print Easter eggs or the last time we sat there or here...my life is still full of him. I miss him so much it's affecting my posture. I feel like I want to hide from myself. Mirrors have become bad things.

I know it will pass, but this dragging loneliness where I'm not good at being with people but nor am I any good anymore being by myself is a bit irritating. There have been a lot of tears. My eyes have aged in the last few days.

But good things are that I'm not drinking like a fish. Not drinking at all really, last weekend was enough. And last night when Evi offered me a ciggie, I didn't even feel tempted.

I need backup
I need company
I need to be inspired.

Or something...