I can't get no sleep
- cue heart lifting, mind-racing track from Faithless and an onslaught of summer memories -
Actually, it's not glamorous. And at the moment for me, inexplicable. I wake up, at 3 or 4 some mornings, and just can't drop back to sleep. The cat is confused, and I'm getting grumpy.
During the daytime, thankfully, it's not a fall-asleep-in-meetings kind of sleepy, but rather a bone-deep lethargy.
I swear part of it is the time of year. Part of it is all the bad shit that is happening all around us, and despite my lack of TV and no longer religious listening to Fran, it still seeps through (thanksalottwitter).
And not just in the wider world, but friends who are suffering, feeling alone. This time of year lends itself to misery far too easily. When instead there should be nothing but love, and the crisp scent of pine needles, and candlelight, good food and drink and no stress at all.
When everything should be shiny and sun-splashed - and for the most part it is - I'm still waking up with too many heartbeats and a too full head. Full of what? I actually don't know. The first feeling I register when I note that it's not quite light enough outside and Ed is still curled peacefully at my elbow is panic. Naked panic like oh no not again as I look at the time.
I'm tired and fat and oversensitive and so incredibly desperate for a few days off work. And they're coming.
I've recently re-read Joan Didion's essay on Self Respect and it echoes so strongly with me. I want to live a good life, in the present and I don't want to waste time.
Actually, it's not glamorous. And at the moment for me, inexplicable. I wake up, at 3 or 4 some mornings, and just can't drop back to sleep. The cat is confused, and I'm getting grumpy.
During the daytime, thankfully, it's not a fall-asleep-in-meetings kind of sleepy, but rather a bone-deep lethargy.
I swear part of it is the time of year. Part of it is all the bad shit that is happening all around us, and despite my lack of TV and no longer religious listening to Fran, it still seeps through (thanksalottwitter).
And not just in the wider world, but friends who are suffering, feeling alone. This time of year lends itself to misery far too easily. When instead there should be nothing but love, and the crisp scent of pine needles, and candlelight, good food and drink and no stress at all.
When everything should be shiny and sun-splashed - and for the most part it is - I'm still waking up with too many heartbeats and a too full head. Full of what? I actually don't know. The first feeling I register when I note that it's not quite light enough outside and Ed is still curled peacefully at my elbow is panic. Naked panic like oh no not again as I look at the time.
I'm tired and fat and oversensitive and so incredibly desperate for a few days off work. And they're coming.
I've recently re-read Joan Didion's essay on Self Respect and it echoes so strongly with me. I want to live a good life, in the present and I don't want to waste time.
posted by BanAnna at 12/16/2014 08:53:00 pm
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