Forgiveness

I am learning that to apologise is often easier than forgiving.

Last night in my solitary, furious, self pity I thought of grand gestures and something - fuck - anything to make the night memorable. So I wrote to Gareth. And I apologised. Of course it's too little too late, but at least I've done it, and I don't expect or really want a response or any kind of contact. I just want him to know that I'm sorry. So.

And then today - all of today has been flat and crap with more wallowing - and, amazingly more gifts from my beautiful colleagues (yay organic gardening book!!). And then, just after four M called and apologised, and I couldn't say anything for the big fat knot in my throat. So what makes grudges stick so insistently? I wanted to shout at him and say no it's not okay, when really it is. We all have shitty days, and shitty weeks and stressful times. Some deal with it better than others, and some can concentrate in two different directions at once. Some, but not all. And that's okay too.

So at least now I am going to the sail and anchor with a lighter heart. And new knickers. (Well, I had to buy something extravagant if he wouldn't, right?)