Beautiful

so, I had the wonderful portrait photography session yesterday, and it made me feel beautiful...
Recently i said that freckles were like tattoos from the sun, beautiful. And then I saw this Cara Phillips project online...she takes photos with UV light, which at skin clinics usually brings up the imperfections on skin...and freckles I suppose are considered imperfections. But I feel shot through with light when mine come up across the bridge of my nose and my cheeks... and look at this girl. She is glorious...

The other thing I thought about a lot today is relationships, and how they form us, and what they make of us for the future. I don't want to engage in M-bashing because he was my choice and I loved him very much. But I accepted so much as given. I allowed myself to disappear in the great cloud of everything for him and now when light is shone down the tunnel and I find myself face to face with myself and being told I am, actually, important it's all a bit confronting. How easily i let myself melt into devoted housewife mode and let banana disappear. Well let me tell you it's good to be back.

And one of the sweetest messages I have received, actually there are two:

One from MattK - he of the circle of trust -
Oh sweetheart I'd never do my happy dance but I will say that you should be with Someone who makes you happy and wants you to be the clever dynamic woman you are - not just a hungarian housewife

and from Ross
Totally believe in you..you are beautiful and free to soar

Seriously, with friends like these how can i ever feel lonely? :-)
It has been a month since I finally said the words that had been collecting in my throat for weeks. I am not happy with you. I need something else. They were hard words to say but I feel good that I finally said them and we gave up the pretense.

Now there is packing, and fighting with Soi'La, the washing machine, and answering blackcurrant emails. I am happy. In a stripped down, basic way, I am happy with myself and where I currently am. I am okay without music and without distraction. I'm not scared of myself anymore. A work in progress, but I reckon it's worth it.