now there is sunshine, but there is also short-of-breath panic feeling and a desire to be not alone. I don't know if my dreams of late are symbolic of anything or if I've been eating too much cheese before bed, but they've involved quite a bit of Australia.

I had a really nice day with mum yesterday, we went to the Academy to see the Magyar Orokseg award ceremony, and when they sang the national anthem, beautifully, as one voice in that cavernous gold tinted room, i thought why the hell can't that be mine, too?
And then B sent a message that said simply I love you, and I felt my edges crumbling.

Afterwards, the three of us met at mum's and had lunch, then B went home and I told mum about how I felt on Friday, and also yesterday, and as it happens, how I'm feeling today.
B is taking me to Pilis something where his old flat mate lives, with a woman who is a life coach, who apparently does wonders. I wonder.
But the way I'm feeling now, it's worth a shot.

He said on Friday that I too often remind him that he is the reason I came back, that he is the reason I'm staying. He said he knows it's shitty here, but i don't need to go on about it. Scary because I hadn't realised that I did that.

Daunted. that's how i feel i think.