Waiting for the Storm to break...
heavy ... that's how the sky looks outside. Grey and leaden, and brooding. There's a full public transport strike today, so I've no idea how or if I'll get to work. I'm thinking I probably won't, because as I'm feeling physicall wretched anyway, I probably don't want to be walking for 2 hours in the smog.
It was Manna's birthday yesterday, and we only spoke briefly, but long enough to put a bit of warmth in my belly, and make me look forward even more to seeing her.
The weekend was alright. Good in bits, but mostly just alright. We watched Mickey Blue Eyes on Friday, and then on Saturday I worked from 7-11 and then we went to mum's to help her paint and move stuff around, had a ridiculously huge lunch, and then B came home, to clean up and I stayed with mum for a bit, talking, or trying to, and then we went to the solarium together. Daggy, but nice.
In the evening we went to Livia and Emese's place for dinner, which Szabi had cooked. It was a lovely meal, and I really enjoy their company but B said he felt something stilted in the whole affair. I don't think him and his friends do the whole faux fancy meal together thing. But it was lovely, crystal glasses and the works. I took a bottle of Penfolds, which I'm sure lifted the standard even higher :)
By the time we got home I felt a little deflated again, inexplicably, but we ended up talking till the wee hours and by the time sleep came, I felt good again.
Yesterday I finally made the trip out to Pilisvorosvar with B. I was a little nervous, but it was lovely seeing Robi again - I hadn't seen him since moving in with B last year.
We chatted and drank tea and ate the carrot cake I had made, and then very smoothly, when Aniko came home, she whisked me upstairs to talk and Robi and B got down to study.
What she had to say, while not quite life coaching as such, was interesting, there is an element of 'superman' in it, an element of perhaps even what Ayn Rand wrote about - and I don't think it's the right path for me. Learning, and learning how to learn and stripping it back to the basics is good, and probabyl important and undoubtedly useful, but on the train back (by which time i was under a frog's arse down a coalmine again) I said to B that of course I want to make myself better, but I don't think I want to be the best. Unhealthy amount of fear of failure of course.
But before I start bettering myself and honing skills like communication, I need to figure out what's making my soul sick.
Aniko said that to start on this course, one needs to feel that enough is enough. She asked what I had had enough of. Is the answer allowed to be everything?
Then she tried a different tack: She said a good core question, or leading question, is this:
What has happened? A question not anchored to time, but just a question in itself. I squirmed on the floor where we were sitting by the boxful of cats, and didn't know how to answer. She asked how the question made me feel, and I said uncomfortable. What has happened, after all?
Perhaps if I knew the answer to that ...
And now, slate-gray sky, the atmosphere pensive and tight... it certainly feels like Monday.
It was Manna's birthday yesterday, and we only spoke briefly, but long enough to put a bit of warmth in my belly, and make me look forward even more to seeing her.
The weekend was alright. Good in bits, but mostly just alright. We watched Mickey Blue Eyes on Friday, and then on Saturday I worked from 7-11 and then we went to mum's to help her paint and move stuff around, had a ridiculously huge lunch, and then B came home, to clean up and I stayed with mum for a bit, talking, or trying to, and then we went to the solarium together. Daggy, but nice.
In the evening we went to Livia and Emese's place for dinner, which Szabi had cooked. It was a lovely meal, and I really enjoy their company but B said he felt something stilted in the whole affair. I don't think him and his friends do the whole faux fancy meal together thing. But it was lovely, crystal glasses and the works. I took a bottle of Penfolds, which I'm sure lifted the standard even higher :)
By the time we got home I felt a little deflated again, inexplicably, but we ended up talking till the wee hours and by the time sleep came, I felt good again.
Yesterday I finally made the trip out to Pilisvorosvar with B. I was a little nervous, but it was lovely seeing Robi again - I hadn't seen him since moving in with B last year.
We chatted and drank tea and ate the carrot cake I had made, and then very smoothly, when Aniko came home, she whisked me upstairs to talk and Robi and B got down to study.
What she had to say, while not quite life coaching as such, was interesting, there is an element of 'superman' in it, an element of perhaps even what Ayn Rand wrote about - and I don't think it's the right path for me. Learning, and learning how to learn and stripping it back to the basics is good, and probabyl important and undoubtedly useful, but on the train back (by which time i was under a frog's arse down a coalmine again) I said to B that of course I want to make myself better, but I don't think I want to be the best. Unhealthy amount of fear of failure of course.
But before I start bettering myself and honing skills like communication, I need to figure out what's making my soul sick.
Aniko said that to start on this course, one needs to feel that enough is enough. She asked what I had had enough of. Is the answer allowed to be everything?
Then she tried a different tack: She said a good core question, or leading question, is this:
What has happened? A question not anchored to time, but just a question in itself. I squirmed on the floor where we were sitting by the boxful of cats, and didn't know how to answer. She asked how the question made me feel, and I said uncomfortable. What has happened, after all?
Perhaps if I knew the answer to that ...
And now, slate-gray sky, the atmosphere pensive and tight... it certainly feels like Monday.
posted by BanAnna at 4/06/2008 11:02:00 pm
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