Madness

I know in my sometimes seldom clear head, that the world is beautiful, and I live in the most beautiful part of said beautiful world. And I am happy and there's a lot I am grateful for.
So where do these headaches come from? These rushes of tears and this repeated irritating frightening desire to disappear?
I would grab my own lapels and shake me (I have lapels today)...and ask what the bloody hell is wrong with you...but then my voice breaks in my mind and I discard that idea.
So I make plans in my head instead, hopeful plans for health and fitness and learning, and I try and convince myself that when I get home from work, I'll have at least another 4 hours to 'do stuff' and instead, I wipe the kitchen bench and sprawl before the very bad quality picture on our tv and slump. When there's so much more to be done. Quietly going crazy, and admiring everyone else's grass, over there, on the other side of the fence.
Maybe I still don't have the certainty I have craved for bloody ages. Uncertainty about the job, uncertainty abotu the relationship, no future goals in common. I feel like i've got one foot in one canoe and the other in another (ooh good sentence there BAnana) and it's all I can do to stay upright. (And still the nagging urge - can an urge be nagging?- to go home, get in the car and just keep driving. At least I've moved on to more responsible temptations :)