music and cliche

I know it's a terrible thing to quote a Bon Jovi song - but I will anyway. At the water cooler this morning, it flitted through my mind that this verse sums up how I was feeling yesterday (also feeling like I was under a boulder under a frog's arse down a coalmine)...but here goes:

I've got big plans, so big that any blind man could see

now I'm standing in the river, I'm drowing in the sea...

never mind what he was really singing about, but that was the general beautiful hopelessness I was wallowing in last night. Crying in Woolworths is embarrassing. Believe me.

The deli counter lady didn't know where to look as she handed over the Feta.

I think last night the pressure just got too much. Balint wasn't home, so there was no facade to be upheld that I'm okay and everything else is okay too. I had plans (so big) to go to the gym and then the grocery shopping, and when I got in the car adn realised I didn't have my membership card with me and that it wasn't anywhere to be found, this lardy despair settled on me, and it just got deeper and fatter. Why, oh why do I eat when I'm sad? Why can't I be like Bud and just not eat when stressed?

I had a chat with MM and with Jutka, and as always, talking about it helped. I'm not tired from working too much and exercising too little, although that and how I've been eating, do contribute. But I'm tired from the constant pressure of doing all this on my own, and the constant pressure of how will we have enough to cover everything? And we don't. We don't have anywhere near enough to cover everything, which is why credit cards are bulging they're so full of debt.

But this morning again, brought new hope and new things to be excited about. I drove to Northbridge to Torres- one of the sweetest butcher shops I've ever been to- rival to the Highgate butcher shop!! And I bought rabbit for tonight, Jeff is coming to dinner. Then when I got home from Torres it was still only 7am, so I baked a tray of biscuits to work. The morning streamed in through the kitchen window and again, I gained a little perspective, and i smiled.

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