the indistinct rustle of the radio filters down the too-long hallway to the bedroom, where I am lying in the gathering heat, wondering what words I can find to fit the start of what promises to be a good year. Better than the last in any case.

If I had to sum up 2009 I would use words like work and compromise. I don't regret any of it, but I never expected it to be so hard. To build up another little existence, my banana coloured bubble in this corner of the world. I didn't think it would be this hard because I thought B and I were on the same page in terms of what and how we wanted to build. Alas, naivete on two legs strikes again, and for all the name calling and silent arguments I can accept being selfish if it means being able to look in the mirror without flinching.

I know what I want - maybe it won't happen this year, but I won't settle for less just because I'm getting older. I also know what I'm capable of giving, and how much pleasure I get from that giving. The pleasure comes from knowing that I am not being taken for granted, that what I do is not expected, but appreciated.

I want to keep playing, without the false sternness (word?) of adulthood peering over my shoulder. I have loved the last few days - this has been the best Christmas season I can remember. I have had beautiful company - people that made me feel alive, and worthy and special. Happiness.

Today will be 39 degrees, I am borrowing Zoli's camry while my injured little car is in the hospital (possibly the most expensive fucking hospital ever), and in two days I will be driving down to Bremer Bay with Sandy, Paul and kids. Life is good, I must never forget that.

Hugging Ross and Mel - arguably some of the best huggers in Australia - and hearing them say again how much they miss me, how like the old Anna I am again - I know for certain I have found my place. Building the nest may take a little longer than I expected or hoped, but I've got time.

So now, with a cold slice of rockmelon, I am going up to the balcony, to look at my cranes, and complete some more elementary sketches.

Happy new year.

. . .