Glorious

except there is a niggle at the back of my mind that I can't seem to rid myself of. G arrived on Friday- just the same, just as wonderful and loving and tender. Only I have changed...
black red and blue striped bonds undies-

windy windy Fremantle, glorious sunshine and a crowded head.

Overall though I am happy, happy that he's here, happy that we're together and that we're sharing this whole adventure (with or without minor details). I trust time will make this better, time will make it smart less.

ever the altruist

I didn't think I did it out of altruism- but it is something that I thought about a couple of nights ago. This whole thing with Pete. I did it because I love him, and because I want him to be happy- not because he asked, not for financial gain or anything like that. So this is a bed I have made for myself, and I must remember that, when I want to complain about lying in it.
That thought made me feel a lot better about everything...

Excitement is building to crazy proportions, I spoke to G for hours yesterday.

And I had a great talk with Betty about the past three months...don't do it Fitzy, don't do it

The sky exploded

last night when I walked up to Monument Hill. It was the most impressive sunset I have seen in a long time. Galahs on the lawn, blazing pink and gray and that incredible orange splashed all over the sky.
Pete called and apologised yesterday; I finished my sociology exam last night ready to post today, good things are happening.
I went for a run this morning and I feel more alive than I have in a week or so. I feel like everything will be okay.

I finished a book called Firehead by Vereno Armanno, and it was a perfect mirror of my quest for belonging, for a 'home'...

So, full of sunshine and hope and promise, I have one essay left to write, two exams and G arrives on Friday...that's like, the DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

I sat out the back in the big armchair, and rolled a durry, stuck the paper to my lip and thought even cigarettes manage to taste different...

Lawrence Durrell

Yes, the Alexandria Quartet was amazing. I read it this summer- all four books, in Budapest. It cut through me and then wrapped me in sweet smelling memory-gauze. Then, here in Freo, I stumbled in to Elizabeth's Second Hand bookshop on South Terrace to reward myself for an essay or something like that and I found a book of his poems. Boy oh boy are they wonderful.

In the bath yesterday, relaxed and almost back to the old happy, I read a few, blocking all other faces from my mind and they helped. Some of them took my breath away..

Memorial Hill

It has been a strange and at times difficult week end. I was exhausted on Friday and went straight to bed, listening to Tea and Sympathy, Bernard Fanning's voice soothing the anger from behind my eyes.
B came home and we had a chat but I find myself just pissed off all the time, pissed off that I've paid for Peter's freedom with my own. I tried to reason with him through her but I just heard him shouting so I buried my head under the pillow. To hell with it.

I woke early on Saturday and managed to get in some reading before we headed off, with aJay to Cottesloe, where we lay in the wind blown sand until lunchtime and then went to Little Creatures for lunch. Oh my god their food is AMAZING!! Their pale ale also helped put me in a good mood and after aJay left, B and I went to Target, bought some things of little consequence and at home I studied some more.

On Sunday morning at about 5.30, she snored again, so I decamped to the sofa, but couldn't sleep so decided to get up and start my day. After breakfast I struck out into the beautiful sunny morning and walked up Solomon St to Monument Hill. My solace. I know Shitdog lives somewhere on Solomon Street...am I ever going to see that white Pajero?

I walked barefoot, I walked to Coles (which was shut) and home, and studied out in the sun all the day long, taking two more walks up to Monument Hill, once with wonderful Rob and once with B.

I finished one essay and went for a run. Twenty four minutes - I was so happy. Yesterday I really felt like I had regained my equilibrium.

Four sleeps and G arrives....waaaaaaahhhhhhhh

I am in love with change...

the rest of that goes "and I have killed my conscience" but I wonder what Amory Blaine held in his soul if he lacked a conscience? Em tells me, regret. I think I am starting to have that in spades.

So, almost half a year, and it would be silly to try and recapture what has happened so far. I have been to three different countries since i last wrote from Florence (from whence we went to San Gimignano and then Venice).
I went to Sarah's wedding in San Francisco, but much more than that, I spent two weeks with Emily. Two of the best weeks of this year, in fact.
There were moments in that 'beat' imbued city when I felt like I could fall in love again.

Then Budapest, which swung from good to bad with my changing moods (this mood bizzo is seriously starting to worry me, just quietly). The Sziget just isn't the same anymore. Much as I am happy that G and the guys from the UK love it enough to come every year, I want it back. I want it to be MY festival again. I'm not sure how to explain that, but it feels like the atmosphere has gone.
It was a good time with mum though- we did homey things together and I had the opportunity to buy some small home goodies, like a dvd player and a blender etc.

And then...well, arrived in Perth and fell swiftly and properly head over heels in crazy love. And it hasn't stopped, or slowed down. I am still smitten. And I don't want to leave. I have also experienced falling in lust quite severely- and how could I not, with all these scruffy-beautiful Aussie men around? (God will look after you, he said)

I have felt healthy, happy and so good in my skin, but my freedom has shrivelled up and now i'm sharing my bed with a snorer (who isn't even G yet) and I've realised I don't want to live with anyone, I want that dear house in Freo all to myself to live the way I have for the last three months.

I'm in the midst of late essays and manifold exams, but I think I'm going to try and give this bloggery another try.
Bear with me. And here's a pic of me from a beautiful weekend in Melbourne, courtesy of the three boys I love best.